So this thing called POTS....

SOo. My life, 2012. consists of well.... crappyness, with a hense of JOY. or I should say VERY crappy with one big bittersweet blessing inbetween. Whatever you want to call it ; this was my 2012. Work-stable work yay, pregnant, yay, bled whole pregnancy boo, baby born early, baby passed away (very upsetting frustrating, angry feelings) , then after 4 ER visits 1 urgant care visit 2 doctors appointments and one 4 day stay at the hospital I get diagnosed with something called P.O.T.S. just 1 month post Noras passing

what the heck is that?
 well I still dont really know. But I will try to explain. POTS is called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. SOOO in the long run it means im sitting nice and calm, then I decide to stand my heart rate goes from about 60-65 beats per minute, to 110-130 beats per minute just because I STOOD. reason? I dont know, doctors reason? they dont know. Hense the name syndrome. If you have IBS, or Fibermyalgia, youll understand what I mean in THEY DONT KNOW. so basically most POT patients, or we like to call ourselves POTSIES pass out.....all the time . because when they stand their blood pressure drops , making them pass out , so the blood can get back to the brain and heart ASAP. thankfully. my blood pressure doesnt change = I dont pass out. Yet anyway.

But POts doesnt just affect my circulation, it affects my muscles, my mood, mt digestive system. every organ in the body .... why you ask? because it is a "Autonomic Nervious dysfuction" whats that mean? well your Automatic nervous function controls every single thing in your body. Your heart beat your digestion your breathing your thinking.......you get my point. so basically as a POTSie you can feel just plain crappy because your body is well "Dysfuctioned".

so I just wanted to update you on ....POTS> because its now a part of my life and im learning to make it not JUST MY LIFE, but a small part of it that God willingly I just deal with and move on and hope to help another in my situation along the way . which im slowely doing. (the not making it my whole life part anyway)

It has been hard (which is why I havent written in a long time) 1. I lost Nora, then got diagnosed with POTS, between Noras passing on october 30th and December 27th I had the following tests : 24 hour urine check , to check for adrenal tumors/cancers. I had a thyroid ultrasound which followed a thyroid biopsy to make sure i didnt have thyroid cancer. I have had an MRI of my brain, a chest angiograph (makes sure you dont have a blood clot in your lungs) a right upper quadrant ultrasound, tilt table test,a HIDA scan (nuclear scan to check your gall bladder) a colonoscopy, an EGD, as well as a blood volume test, multiple EKG's, a stress Echo test, and many blood draws for infection, adrenal levels, thyroid levels, blood test for celeic diseases and allergies.

so ive been kinda busy. the above tests........ all ...........NEGETIVE.  Except one. the tilt table test that gave me POSITIVE for POTS. . . the other tests well.......were to rule out all the other possibilites.

so I have my good days and my bad days. sometimes my heart rate works well and i can have a normal day. as long as i follow the docs orders and drink LOTSA water and eat LOTSA salt. thats suppose to help the problem. there is no medication  for this problem other than prayer and a positive heart.

my bad days can consist of this . Palpitations (my number one complaint) fatigue (my number 2 complaint) headaches, muscle aches, digestive issues , sometimes some tingeling, brain fog). that names about most of them.

what I have learned. somehow hormones play a role. 
what I do not know is if this will ever go away.
what I DO know is "God is my refuge and my strength,
what I DO know is "God will not give me more than I can handle
what I DO know is if Nora fighted I will fight thru this life
what I DO know is , God knows exactly whats going on and he is the perfect physician (thanks mel for reminding me that)
.....so with that said i do not worry..... "for the birds have food, and he feeds them, so why should I worry about my day , as worry does not add a single hour to your life" if God cares for the Birds and has them covered.....Surely He has me covered.

welcome to my new journey with POTS, and thank you for listening to my ramble of half frustration, partial humor, and partial thoughtfulness of my own situation

God bless.

also....... I have another blog... its www.norasadoptionblessing.blogspot.com

 because were moving toward adoption :-) and im SO extremely excited follow me there too!

Never Forgotten

This is a post from Nora's blog, but I am putting it over here, just something God has been teaching me...

Not Forgotten

Written 6 hours ago by Tiffany Hauge

My husband wrote a journel Entry on October 26th , it had no title but at the end of the Journel wrote a verse that my friend Mike showed us very early on in Nora's delivery -
it is Isaiah 49 15b-16
I will not forget you!
1 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me
That verse has become very permenent in my heart. God has never forgotten Nora during her time here; and alas she is now WITH him. She is so much more blessed than I! I have now come to realize that I do not have to worry about "what was Nora's purpose here" . Day after day she teaches me more. Every day I hear about how she has affected another person's life. It is so truly amazing how much an infant, one that weights just 1lb and only lives for 7 days can affect so many people. I wish I could just keep a journal of how Nora has affected others, It would be such a keepsake to me. My little daughter is such an angel to me, but not only her, every single baby is an angel in some ways. It's such an amazing thing.
On other notes-
- Addison and I had thought of 'baby' for the last 6 months. Turns out God's plan for 'baby' was a little different from what we thought of. Our idea for baby was a little one to hold and to help grow,- and have HER surpass US. Obviously God's plans and ours were not aligned. He had a different idea. Another reason this verse means so much to me right now. The day Nora died I had this feeling that God just Ripped my dreams and my baby right our of my hands. It was hard to go from 6 months of baby talk to- understanding and coming to the realization that there is no baby right now. But the verse stands for Addison and I , and ALL of you who feel like your paths are so distant and hard. He has not forgotten US! our plans just didn't quite line up. I am confident that HIS plans are so much more better than my own, and I am learning to follow His plan, because I know it is for the best. - I know there is a plan because He has never forgotten us !
Its so weird to think of this . This morning I was looking at my bookcase since I can't drive or go anywhere I am trying to occupy my time and thought I would pick up a book. So I picked up a book by Max Lucado called "When God whispers your name" I am not a fan of 'self help books', but I am a huge fan of Max Lucado is SOME cases. I never read the book, so I felt why not ? I read the first few pages, and sure enough , the same verse I have been talking about popped up agian.. I wanted to share the first part of what I read, so you better understand my thoughts- because it has completely touched my heart. See below.
"When I see a flock of sheep I see exactly that, a flock. A rabble of wool...I dont see A sheep, I see sheep. All alike None different... But not so with the shephard. To him every sheep is different. Every face is special, Every face has a story. And every sheep has a name. The one with the sad eyes, that droopy, and the fellow with one ear up and the other down I call him Oscar, And the small one with the black partch, hes an orphan. I call him Joseph. They shephard knows his sheep He calls them by name. "
"When we see a crowd, we see exactly that. a crowd. Filling a stadium or flooding the mall. When we see a crowd we see people, not persons, but people. A herd of humans A flock of faces. Thats what we see. But not with the Shephard (God) . To Him every face is different. Every face has a storyEvery face is a child. Every child has a name. "The one with the sad eyes, thats sally, The old fellow with one eyebrow up and the other down Harrys his nam. The young one with the limp? He is an orphan and I call him Joey". The shephard knows his sheep. He knows each one of them by name. The Shepherd knows you. He knows your name and he will not forget it. "I have written your name on my hand (Isa 49:16)." - Max Lucado "When God Whispers Your Name"
He knows my name , and He has a plan for Addison and I. It is juts a differnet plan, in a different timing than we thought. Maybe God wants us to adopt? And God has a plan for a another child with us thru adoption, or maybe God has some more plans for us prior to trying to have another child on our own. - No matter what we understand that we are not to have a child for atleast a year. Whether its because of the healing process my body needs (according to the doctors, and after the many tests to figure out why this happened to my body) , or whether its because we are trying to go thru the adoption process. What we do know is God has another plan. But we know now, This year, God wants us to heal, and during this year, we are looking at the path God wants us to follow- we are not sure which one, but we do know God but the precious love and desire for children in our hearts. and we will eagerly and patiently wait for Him to show us and guide us for the right time and purpose. He has not Forgotten Nora, nor has he forgotten us, or His plan for us.

The 1st picture is of Nora with her eye opened, the 2nd Nora holding my husbands hand..... my 2 favorite pictures

A new chapter.

I haven't been on here for a while. Actuelly I have this thing... I love to write, I enjoy it . But life gets in the way sometimes . Many times I find I do not have anything to write about. That I just travel day after day thru Nothingness. But recent events have come about , and I see life a little bit more clear. Actuelly I see life completely different than I use to. Life is precious. It is fragile. The past 6 months have been extremely up and down. I found out I was pregnant , and carried my baby for 6 months. A complicated pregnancy led to a premature birth of my baby Nora Renee; From there it led to her death just 7 days later. She has touched my life in so many ways. I can't even begin to tell you how she has affected me- all in a good way. I cherish the little things in life. I have never been closer to my husband or my God. I have found out the there is soooo much good in the world, even though this world is broken and I take the time every day to see the Good, instead of just watching the news. I learned the meaning of precious. Nora taught me that. I have now come to see children in a whole different perspective, in a way that I dont think anyone else could understand until they have lost a child themselves. They are the most precious things on earth. But instead of updating on what happened these past weeks with Nora , I posted her blog, you can read the story from beginning to end on here. Our Journey has just begun though... Even though she has left this earth and is dancing in the arms of Jesus, the story has really just begun. There is so much I want to do; there is plenty more that she has taught me, and I feel that God because of her story is leading me into a new chapter of life, that is conected with children. Only time will tell, But for now - I will heal.

Nora's blog  www.caringbridge.org/visit/tiffanyhauge

For His glory?

“I will say to the north, Give up,

and to the south, Do not withhold;

bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the end of the earth,

everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made.” 

Isaiah 43:6-7 

“For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him” (Col. 1:16) 

I get the concept. It is written many more times than just this these two verses above that we were made for the sole purpose to glorify God. Therefore my whole life is surrounded or really SHOULD be surrounded for that purpose; To glorify God and to share that divine purpose with those around me. I still have another question, Why did God need us to glorify Him? God made us with a free will to choose or not to choose to glorify Him and to know Him ; BUT what is that purpose?

Going back before Jesus, to the forefronts of creation; if we were made for His glory than WHY?
Why did God need our glory ?
I Dont believe that God needed our glory because He is who He say He is...a PERFECT God. God would not be perfect if He NEEDED us to glorify Him. 

Acts 17:25 nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.

It says right there... God didn't need anything. He didn't need us to glorify Him; so why make us?

Isaiah 43:20-21 says, "I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise."

To me it looks like its saying That God did not make people for us to just glorify Him ; But also so His Glory would be known. So I guess what I am saying is God wanted to share His glory and perfect love ; He wanted others to see what is so GOOD , so Pure, so PERFECT. and if thats the case - than how can we say He is not abundant in love?

 He wanted to in the beginning of His creation proclaim his Perfect Glory and let it be known in the universe.

This is still a question of mine I do not know if my answer is completely 100% . I am still soaking through the question... But again His ways are Higher than mine, His thoughts Higher than my own... I may not understand it all completely ever... But I KNOW I am here to glorify Him and I will still seek out His truth...

More than ankle deep

Did you know that researchers say that we (humanity) only understand about 10% on the brain?

Did you know that researchers also say that their may be even up to 10-30 million of undiscovered insects in the rain forest alone?

According to NASA  the HUBBLE telescope can visibly see 10,000 Galaxies. and those are only what the telescope can VISIBLY see.

those statistics are mind-blowing.

Isaiah 55:9 - As the heavens are higher than the earth; so are my ways higher than your ways; and my thoughts than your thoughts. 

I do not understand it all. but I haven't tried looking too hard. I do not understand the ways of God completely; I do have a lot of questions; Isaiah says specifically that His thoughts are higher than ours. He is God. Who am I to question all of  His ways?  Some how it seems very humbling. It makes me eager to learn, eager to dig. A friend showed me recently a verse that I haven't read in a very long time (not to mention I haven't read a lot of verses in a long time) it states

::::Jeremiah 29:13- You will seek me and find me when you seek Me with all of your heart.::::

Thats big stuff! to seek something with your entire being; with your whole heart; thats a lot of determination! so let the determination go foraward. For a long time I have stood shallow deep in the Bible; its almost like a "side hobby" but is it? God says many times we are made to Glorify Him.

If that is what I was made to do it shouldn't be a 'hobby'. It should be my life; I need to seek Him just as Jeremiah says with my WHOLE heart. 

so this is a new Journey for me: searching Him out so I might understand more and more. This journey will not end here on earth as God says His ways our Higher than mine; and so is His thoughts; but if I am here to glorify Him - I want to know Him the best I can; why shouldn't I anyway ? Arn't I Gods?  

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

-need2breathe, something beautiful-